I was in the attic looking for baby clothes and stumbled upon a special box. You may know the kind. Stacks of papers, books, pictures, old diplomas, and letters. The kind of box that should have a sign saying, “don’t open unless you have an hour.” I found a magazine from high school with a poem I had written. The poem had won an award, and I remember being embarrassed that it was published. I wrote it thinking only my teacher would see it, not wanting to share it with the rest of the school. I’ve always been a deep thinker and have always loved to write, but until recently, I’ve never really known how to be me! It wasn’t cool to write poems like this at 16. A sure way to scare off the boys and make people think you are weird!

In the past few years, I’ve had the joy of seeing women celebrating who they are and the gifts God has given them. I have a new Bible study teacher who introduced herself as a “self-proclaimed nerd.” She said she loves reading and writing and the inner nerd in me cheered! She is someone who sees and uses her gifts the way her Creator intended. She is beautiful and brilliant. And by not holding back or playing small, she serves those around her.

A good friend of mine spoke recently about using our gifts. She said when our gifts meet our Maker, something really special happens! She’s the kind of person who gives others permission to shine. Whatever we do, we do for the glory of God because it’s all about Him. I love this quote by Marianne Williamson “We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.”

When we insult ourselves or play it small, aren’t we insulting our Creator? I have these teeth that I feel stick out on the top row of my mouth. You’d probably agree this is ridiculous, but we women are hard on ourselves. As I drive by that cosmetic dentist billboard in my path, it confirms this imperfection and I wish they were straighter or that I’d worn that retainer…but wait a minute. My Father gave me these teeth and put them exactly where He wanted them…what I am saying about Him when I think that? I am going to smile BIG because I was made in His image and I reflect His glory! That is worth celebrating, not wishing to change! The world says we all need to look like barbie; God says we just need to look like us. That He made us to reflect Him and He’s an awesome Creator! We all reflect His glory in different ways! And when we’re freed up to celebrate instead of hide our gifts and give them to Him, we are freed up to celebrate them in others as well.

We have all been given a gift to show who God is. I saw a picture of this a few months ago when I was helping my friend Katie with an event for women at the Downtown Rescue Mission. I asked friends to bring flowers and put them in vases on my front porch. It was so touching to see how eager people were to help! They all picked flowers attractive to them…some white, pink, florescent, bright, soft, wild, from the garden, from the field, from the store…not one flower was exactly like any other. Just like us! The kingdom of heaven is inside each woman and God has made all of us unique and beautiful. Because we are each different, we put God’s creativity and love on display. The world says we have to look the same. I am thankful these flowers didn’t get that message!

So, what’s your gift? What are your passions, talents, interests? I bet you have a lot! I do too! And like my Bible study teacher, I love to read and write. But somewhere along the way, I stopped doing that. Because somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing me as special. And it became easier to blend in rather than to stand out. I have never wanted to be anyone else; I just didn’t know how to be me.

Until God breathed new life in me…He saw me on the sidelines, came over, reached out His hand, and asked if I wanted to dance again. He showed me how! And when I follow His lead, it’s graceful. So…here’s the poem about the Dancer. I think of that song I liked in college…the lyrics say, “Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance…and if you get the chance to sit it out or dance…I hope you’ll dance.”

I am by no means a great poet! This mama hasn’t written a poem in 15 years, but today I wrote another one; “The Answer” to “The Dancer.” It sounds more like a rap than a poem at the beginning and definitely has some off beat rhythm, but I’m choosing not to sit this one out…“If I made you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand….SHINE (Matthew 5:14 MSG).” I’m dusting off my pen and dancin’…because God has made this fun again…and more importantly… “The Dancer” is in major need of a sequel!  Please stick with me till the end!

THE DANCER (written by Katie in 1997)

Every night I lay me down
And sometime between today and tomorrow
A tiny dancer spins from my body
To toy with my joy and sorrow.

She dashes away to a different world
Taking my soul, I know not where
But somehow she knows how to set it free
To do everything it may dare.

There I swim the seas of danger
As my ship of safety sinks
And my fear vanishes and shrinks.
There my bottled hope explodes
As no limits line the sky
for nothing can stop me, or clip my wings
Or tell me I can’t fly.

My passions are like horses
That break from their reigns of the day
And they run like children, wild and free
With nothing to stand in their way.
Imagination swallows my consciousness
In this world the dancer takes me
There are no limits, no rules or boundaries
No logic to what I see.

In this world, my soul is freed
Cut from its leash, flown from its cage
I cannot stop it, so I lie and watch it
Pour out all love and rage.

But the dancer dashes away with my soul
As an ending comes to the night
And she places it back into its shell
As I awake with the morning light.

Confused I have so many questions
But she flees without an answer
How, I cry, do I break these chains?
Why can’t I be the dancer?

THE ANSWER (written to Katie in 2014)

My dear child,
to you I’m wed,
you are so hungry
and I’m your bread
Please let my words
have their way
inside your heart and head.

You are more precious
than you dare know
Your sins, my love, are
are as white as snow.
You are my beloved bride
cherished and true
so don’t you hide!
I’ve come for you
I’m at your side.
I’ve given my all
for your protection,
oh sweet child,
won’t you please,
just look in my direction!

I have good news for you, my friend.
I died so that you never will
Freedom is found only in me
just know that and be still
I am the light of the world
I’ve come to shine on you
so that your blind eyes
will soon see
and then they’ll shine anew

All your desires are YES in me
I’ve come to set the captives free
and that means you too,
Oh, my sweet Katie.

To break the chains that hold you back
I’ve got a plan for you, my dear
but first you’re going to have to search
and come up short
everywhere but here.
First you’ll have to fall on your knees
come turn the dark off, help me please
I am broken, I can’t fix it,
Jesus save me, it’s you I need.

You see, my child, it is finished,
all you need is already yours…
When I died on that cross
I had you in mind,
When I rose from the dead,
grace was yours to find.
I am your light, your gate, your way,
your truth, your resurrection,
your life, your vine, your everything,
your shield and your protection.

I’ve come to give you life to the full,
and joy in all your days
I’ve come to bring you home with me,
To stand condemned in your place.
Can’t you see, my dear
I offer endless love and grace,
so you need not ever fear,
I’ve come to meet your deepest hope,
And bring you to wide open space…

I love you with a perfect love,
I’ve come to be your answer
I DIED FOR YOU, MY PRECIOUS CHILD
SO YOU COULD BE THAT DANCER.

You did it: you changed wild lament
    into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
    and decked me with wildflowers.
I’m about to burst with song;
    I can’t keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
    I can’t thank you enough.
(Psalm 30 11-12 MSG)

 

“Mommy, get in. No mommy…please…get all the way in.”

I’ve noticed many times this summer that while I go to the pool, I don’t actually want to get wet. Or swim! Something my kids think is crazy, God love ’em! They invite me in, but it’s cold when the water hits my tummy, I don’t want to leave with wet hair, it’s a commitment to go all the way under, and I am content to sit on the side and watch. I guess somewhere along the way I became a grown up and chose the convenience of being dry over the joy of going all in.

But recently, I’ve noticed on the days I do go all the way in, it’s not too long after the dreaded hair wetting before I am jumping off the diving board, enjoying the slide, and laughing and splashing with chlorine in my eyes. I blink and an hour has gone by and I’ve totally lost track of time or what else we’re supposed to be doing that day. It is FUN!  My daughter splashes me and I don’t care one bit…because I am already wet! When you go all the way in, you remember why you’re there. And once we surrender our desire to stay dry and untouched, we get to swim! And then wonder why in the world we held back.

I think God has a way of inviting us to go all the way in too. We know it will change our course and take us out of our comfort zone. We know it’s going to get messy, and that it’s a commitment. There’s some big trust involved and it can be scary if you’ve never done it. Bear with me on the pool analogy! As a kid growing up in church in the south, I spent a lot of time at the “pool.” I knew what the pool looked like, even what it smelled like, I could talk about swimming because I’d seen people do it. I’d even gone in part of the way. But I had never personally experienced going all the way in until I was 30 years old. Because being dry was better until then.

What changed my mind to accept His invitation? He did. It’s a long, hard and beautiful story summed up in one word…GRACE. Grace that counted more than my sin. Captivating, pursuing, relentless, offensive grace. Captivating because I knew my brokenness…being dry started burning me up, and Jesus…he saw it all. Saw it, and yet, he still went all the way to that cross for me. When he died on it and endured the wrath of God, he had me in mind. And when he rose to new life, he wanted me to come with him.

Offensive because it took me out the equation. It didn’t matter where I’d been, what I’d done or what I could bring to the table to fix it…it was all about Jesus, the one who drew me to surrender, to cover me in his living water, to let him rescue me and pull me deep into joy, all in and through him. Why go all the way in? Because he did. As my daughter Mary says, he got boo boos so ours would go away. Amazing grace.

I think of the day Will and I were baptized in the Tennessee River two summers ago. We climbed down the rocky bank and waded into the river with our shoes and clothes on. I felt giddy and alive like a ten-year-old kid at summer camp stepping into that refreshing water. We were new creations celebrating resurrection from the dead on a beautiful June day, adults and kids cheering us on along the riverbank. The sun sparkling on that river was shining in us…pure joy as we outwardly expressed the inward reality that Christ had made us new! Sin and death washed away down that river…and the love of Jesus covered every part of us like the water, not an inch untouched…we went all the way in and came out soaring in new life!

“That’s what baptism into the life of Jesus means. When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by our Father.” Romans 6: 3-4 MSG

Many seeds were planted along the way that the Lord was faithful to grow. One of the first people to tell Will about Jesus is the very special lady who helped raise him, Evelyn. We call her “Mama Eddie.” We reconnected with her this weekend in Knoxville and celebrated all God has done in each of our lives! She invited us to church with her, an invitation I’m so thankful for. Jesus is King on Harriet Tubman Street…the choir singing gave me chills, tambourines shaking, hands waving, clapping, holding hands, praying for deliverance and shouting in unison “I am covered by blood of Jesus!” When the gospel choir sang, the Spirit filled up the room so much I thought the earth was shaking. No holding back or sitting on the sidelines there. Mama Eddie and her church friends know better.

We also reconnected with that Tennessee River as we watched the live telecast of the Boomsday firework show over it. The kids danced to the music as the sky lit up. Pop hits, a little Beyonce, America the Beautiful, then Rocky Top played and the crowd went crazy the night before the Vols’ opening football game. But they saved the best for last…

The grand finale was to a saxophone playing Amazing Grace…fireworks exploded over that special river…huge bursts of light rapid firing faster and faster…a crowd of all ages cheered and sang along louder to it than they did to Rocky Top… “AMAZING GRACE HOW SWEET THE SOUND THAT SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME. I ONCE WAS LOST BUT NOW I’M FOUND, WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE.”

I think of the one who called us into that river. I hear that saxophone playing and Evelyn’s preacher’s electrifying voice shouting “Praise Jesus!” He saw it all, yet he still went all the way to that cross for me. And continues to invite me in. When I think of him, fireworks burst in my heart and happy tears fill my eyes…because there is nothing more amazing than grace.

 

God, the Writer of history, the Creator of the Universe says “at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father (Philippians 2:10).” God says Jesus is the name above all names exalted to the highest place. So I wonder…

If He planned for Jesus to be known to every person, I wonder why He sent him to live here in a time of no technology. There were no typewriters, no printers, no iphones, no Facebook. God could have chosen any moment in history to bring His son into the world…it was perfectly thought out and planned for centuries, and He chose to do it then. Wouldn’t it have been easier to accomplish this Son being known if God had sent him to live today…in a time when there are over a billion users on Facebook and the word could have spread to continents in seconds? Instead, he came before the camera. We have not even one picture of him.

If God wanted Jesus to be His most important message, why did He send him in a time with no technology? Maybe because there’s a treasure there He wants you to discover about Him for yourself. Through a relationship. He is gently whispering, “come and see”… there’s something beautiful He wants to reveal. And it’s only found on the inside. Aren’t we like that too?

I wonder if Jesus were here today…would he be on Facebook? What would he post? Maybe if one of the disciples had pulled out their iphone and caught a shot of Peter walking on the water, we would have a better grasp of it? We could replay it over and over and forward to people in doubt. The word would be out! Hmmm. Would anyone then feel left out of that boat ride and misunderstand the heart of the most inclusive man of all time? Maybe someone could have taken a panoramic shot of him feeding the 5,000 and posted it so everyone would know and believe in his miracles. What about before and after shots in an instagram collage of the lepers he healed. Surely God knew how effective that would be. A video of the paralytic walking. Then anyone who wasn’t there would believe, right!? His friends would be a motly crew. Would he have many? Or maybe if Mary Magdalene had just taken a shot of the empty tomb and posted it…or if when he was ascending into heaven saying “you will be my witnesses” someone had caught it on their iphone…then God would have instantly been able to get the word out about the resurrection…talk about a witness tool!

There are two questions my heart is always wondering..what is real? And what is real about me? And when I spend time on social media, to be honest, I get frustrated…what is real seems to be slipping away. I feel a desire to create it for myself and find I have the power to do so. Please hear me, I am not saying Facebook is bad; not at all! It’s a wonderful tool for getting great messages out and reconnecting! But, for me, it’s not a place where the questions to those answers about truth are found. When I look for the ocean in a puddle, I’m always going to come up short! For the 1% of my Facebook friends whose hearts I know, the pictures are a fun enhancer to that foundation. Great icing to the cake! But to the other 99%, who I am and who they are is frozen in hand-picked images. It’s certainly not false, but it’s not the whole truth. And it leaves me yearning for truth more than I did before I logged on. And scrambling to find it in the people behind the pictures.

Facebook wasn’t anything I cared much about until I became a stay-at-home mom and started spending my days with little adult interaction. My job is an invisible job to the world and Facebook was a wonderful way to share life! But it didn’t fill my need for relationships. I felt connected but strangely disconnected. Perhaps because in my very limited time for adult interaction, I was filling it with icing and no cake! And no bread of life either!

And I believe my dissatisfaction came because Facebook was Katie’s attempt to define Katie on the outside…but Katie was never supposed to have that job. God is the only One who defines me. He defines me in Christ. And Jesus is an inside guy.

Some of the most amazing Christ followers I know use Facebook as their platform; what a blessing to the world! Many jobs and ministries rely on it. It can serve a great purpose. Perhaps one day God can recreate it for me! There is no one size fits all way for being a social media user, mom, wife or follower of Jesus. I am just realizing my own struggles in this season and have found freedom in doing so. But one thing is for sure, in a day when we’re bombarded with hundreds of messages a day, we have to be intentional about how to LEAVE ROOM for God to breathe His truth into our seeking hearts. And room to share what’s inside with people in real-life conversations. We have to fight for that! And it looks different for all of us.

For me, I’ve hit the off button on Facebook for now. Because when I’m on it, I’ve discovered that while sometimes I’m genuinely engaging with others, sometimes everything slowly starts to become about me…my image, my pictures, likes, comments, who I’m tagged with, and the spiral goes downward. I start comparing my insides to others’ outsides and it feels empty. When the outside of my life, my interests, what I’m doing, who I’m doing it with, and who likes it subtly starts to define the answer to “who is Katie?” I get in trouble. And it’s so tiring when I’m on the throne! It wears me out! Maybe no one else has ever had this issue…I hope you haven’t! Perhaps I am one in a billion :), but maybe a few people can relate, and so I write.

My friend Kelley told me she was getting off Facebook two years ago and I thought she was off her rocker. She is going to miss out on so much. Days with toddlers can be long and a bit lonely…it’s wonderful to share pictures with other adults. To make the invisible job visible. To make sure no one forgets you’re here! But then for me, sweet moments on playgrounds, etc. started to become photo opps. Come on…don’t say you’ve never done it :)! Even a casual picture can take a few tries with toddlers and suddenly the real life moment has…totally passed you by. My husband caught me doing this and pointed it out. I laughed! Yes, okay…life is to be experienced, not advertised. And maybe I don’t need my phone when we’re playing in the yard. Maybe that moment was meant for just my kids and me. Like when I was growing up.

And if I’m on my phone, maybe I’m the one missing out. On fleeting moments. Did I hear what my daughter just said? Did I see the other person in the park who may need a friend today? Did I notice what my son just did and how he wants his mommy to look his way? To make eye contact. I am communicating with 1,000 people; he is communicating with just one…and it’s me. I wonder how many people we are supposed to communicate with in a day? And if being on the Internet increases or actually decreases that number? My son will have a phone one day, and if he’s glued to it when I want him to listen to me, I don’t want him to have learned it from mama.

As a mom of toddlers, I need some margin more than ever…some empty space in my day and mind. That’s something I have to fight for! We all do! Margin to pick up the phone and call a friend. Margin to open the Bible. Margin to sit still. Margin to be intentional. Margin to read a book. Room for discovery in relationships. Freedom to decide who and what I let in because there’s not room for all of it right now!

Perhaps Jesus came before the camera was invented because God wanted those of us who didn’t live during his time to decide if he’s real for ourselves…through faith and through getting to know him, not just knowing about him. There is a mystery there…one we have to take the time to discover and uncover. Not at internet speed, but at a slow pace. One on one. In a relationship. We have no pictures of the resurrection, but I’ve witnessed it…in my own life, when I went from dead to alive in an instant. It looks different for each of us, but He lets us find it with our own spiritual eyes, and paint our own timeless picture.

There is a mystery to you and me that people can only discover in real life…it has to be slowly unraveled and uncovered over many moments, life on life, insides to insides. My loved ones gather insights from behind the scenes moments and learn the answer to their main question about me…what is real about her? Isn’t that what you really want to know about people and about God? And the more inside stuff you know, the deeper you are drawn into intimacy and trust. There is some mystery and discovering I still have with my husband who has been in the day-to-day for almost ten years…it’s beautiful and no camera can capture what’s between us.

God doesn’t come in the clutter and loudness of the world…but in that quiet place, when the computer is off, in a still, small voice. Technology is a powerful tool for getting the word out. Without it, there would be no blog post right now! If I am to get a message out, I need the Internet. But God doesn’t. He is bigger and far grander than technology. He is not dependent on man or anything created by man. Because He’s God. And I wonder how much of technology we NEED to know the truth, experience friendship and be the people He made us to be.

Whatever your path is…if we’re going to have any empty space in our mind, in the day of iphones, we’re going to have to fight for it and set boundaries. No one taught us technology boundaries growing up…our parents are still learning from us, so we have to create the boundaries ourselves. To learn what is necessary and leave out the rest. Or it will eat us alive! I am learning I have to be intentional to leave breathing room for the One who breathes life into me. Room in my day, but also in my heart and mind. To leave some empty space. “The boundary lines for me have fallen for me in pleasant places (Psalm 16:6).”

So, being a mom with toddlers can make me feel like I’m invisible sometimes…but God is opening my eyes that I am sharing each day with Him. The Creator of universe walks beside me. Wow! He’s only One I’ve never had to send a picture to because He’s seen it all. The outside and the inside. The deep thoughts, the dark places, the thoughts I’d never say out loud, the secrets no one knows, the last thing I would post, the inner most place…He has seen it all. And still loves me. To Him that inner most place is the best part. And He whispers…slow down and look in My direction! Can’t you see…I’m crazy about you!

God has set eternity in our hearts. He has placed in our hearts the search for unconditional love, for depth we can’t measure, for mystery, awe and wonder. He has given us a deep longing that can only be satisfied in Him. So my desire is to make space to turn in His direction.“Let us run the with endurance the race that is set before us….fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).” “Fixing our eyes” by definition means “to turn eyes away from other things and fix them.”

“What is real?” and “what is real about me?” He’s the only One with the answers. And I have to remind myself every day to turn away from other things and listen! Not because it makes me feel better, but because it’s TRUE.

JESUS is the way, the TRUTH, the life. He is before all things and in him all things hold together.

THANKS TO JESUS, I am altogether beautiful, there is no flaw in me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, God’s thoughts toward me are as countless as the sand on the shore, I am precious and honored in His sight, I am the righteousness of Christ, seated in heavenly realms, He takes great delight in me, He HEARS my prayers, all of them. He knows about all the bad stuff, yes all of it, it was nailed to the cross with Jesus, my record is wiped clean, past, present, future, I don’t ever need to fear because my problems don’t scare the One who holds the universe in His hands. He is taking me to a place of no darkness or death or tears, He loves me. Nothing will ever separate me from His love, His Son died for me so things could be right between us no matter what I’ve done…so I could come home and He could hug me and welcome me back. I am His beloved daughter. I am fully accepted. His Kingdom lives inside me RIGHT NOW and Jesus holds the key that unlocks it…it is finished but he is not nearly finished with me! He says I am radiant, brilliant, chosen. He gives me a choice but He wants me to let Him in…to breathe life into me, life to the full…He is my God. He wants me to know Him and commands me to BE STILL.

A wise friend once told me it’s impossible to entertain two captivating thoughts at the same time. She proved it with this little game…Picture a tantalizing steak…Now picture an ice cream sundae. Describe it. You’ve forgotten about the steak, haven’t you? There are messages that come into our minds all day…there is God’s truth, and there’s what the world says. There is not room in our minds to have both fully captivate us at the same time. And those captivating thoughts direct us.

Our home has a room in the very center. This room directs the traffic flow. You must pass through it to get to all other places. You can see it from every other room. We have used it as our dining room. With a beautiful dining room table and a china cabinet full of fragile, lovely things. You have to read don’t Miss the Moment to understand this (posted June 9th), but when Micah died, I told Will I wanted to get rid of the dining room table. “So do it,” he said casually. “Give it away.”

“What?!! Give it away? What a crazy thought. Wait a minute…we could actually do that? What a freeing thought. But, letting go of that table meant letting go of something I was holding onto dearly…someday. Someday I’ll have a two-story home like the one I grew up in and there will be a dining room tucked away for special occasions. Someday in the next house we’ll need it. The someday in my mind has always held a nice dining room and one I wasn’t sure I could part with.

But dinners in our home right now include pudgy fingers smudging raspberries on the table, half eaten bananas on the floor, milk spills and sticky peanut putter….and at the last dinner party here we served Domino’s pizza on paper plates. Someday feels far away. And what in the world is wrong with this house? Or eating in our kitchen? Why do we need more? We have been so blessed!

Someday my kids will be in school and I’ll have time. Someday I’ll be able to participate in that ministry…what about the ministry I’m in now? What about the little children looking up at me who I can tell about Jesus as they learn about life? Someday, we’ll have enough to give more away. What about what we have now? Someday, when we have more children and our family is complete. What about Mary and John? Isn’t life full and overflowing? Someday I’ll lay down everything and REALLY follow Jesus. At once they left their nets and followed him (Matthew 4:20). Someday when I do this, God will love me more. He says he loves me EVEN AS He loves Jesus, His beloved Son…no matter what…right now.

Someday says “it is coming.” Jesus says “it is finished.” We don’t need anything in the future that he hasn’t made available to us right now by the finished work of the cross. I think He wants me to let go of “my life will be more full when…” and say “thanks for making my life completely full now.” To believe Colossians 2:10 that “in Christ, you have been brought to fullness.”

I don’t think anyone actually arrives at someday…for more than a little while at least. There’s always the next thing. In Him, we have true rest and satisfaction. Jesus is not barely enough. He is more than enough! “Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty (John 6:35), You give them drink from your river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life (Psalms 36:8-9).”

And what if someday’s table could be someone’s today? And so it is! Lincoln Village Ministries (an awesome ministry in Huntsville, http://www.lincolnvillageministry.com/) will be using the table in their new community center. For women to come together, read the word and enjoy fellowship and a meal. And please know, I share this, not to boast in any way…this is so tiny on the scale of how we could leverage our resources for the Kingdom…and we can never earn more favor with God than we already have in Christ…the desire is to boast in the Lord and share how Jesus has touched our hearts and opened our eyes to what’s right in front of us. And now, what’s right in front of us is…colorful bean bag chairs, a white board for drawing and teaching, kids art, handprints, Scripture cards, open space, children running, riding cards, singing songs, and laughing with freedom to be messy and love big. No more holding my breath! Wide open space!!! “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me” (Psalm 18:19).

Jesus says, “I am the bread of life” (John 6:35). I love dining room tables. I don’t think there is one bad thing about them and gathering with family and friends to share a meal is what life is all about. Dining rooms are awesome and fine dining with loved ones is a special blessing! But, I do believe God sometimes challenges us…in that room in the center…the center of your heart and mind that directs all the traffic…you have to make a choice. There isn’t room to do it the way the world says and the way He says.

And there’s a freedom in letting Jesus be the bread of life…of making him the feast…of letting go of someday and grabbing onto this moment…of trusting that He who has provided today will also provide tomorrow…of knowing that you are beyond blessed so you can freely give and overflow…of realizing what you need to live the life He has called you to live and what you can let go of to make room for Him today. And when we let go of the pretty things of this world and grab onto His beauty, His words, His way with both hands…there is TRUE JOY!

“And my God will meet all of your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19). 

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself” (Matthew 6:34). 

“I have come that they may have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all–how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)

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Some of my favorite memories are on sailboats. When I was a teenager, I spent my summers as a sailing instructor at a camp on the NC Coast. It was so much fun teaching children about boats and how they worked, but more than that, we were teaching them life lessons and how to navigate through them.

My favorite times were teaching kids who had never been on a sailboat. Boats have many parts and there are many new words and instructions for a beginner. I would take the girls out to sail, teach them the basics and then ask them to repeat what we had just learned. They would stare at me with blank faces, glancing at me, then at the waves. Oh dear. They didn’t hear a word I said! All they really wanted to know was what would happen if our boat tipped over. Something they knew could happen. I laughed and told them not to worry, but quickly learned, until we tipped over and they learned the capsize procedure, they were not going to trust me. And until we got that part over with, they weren’t going to take in anything else I said.

I realized the first thing to do with beginners was to take them out and tip them over. They would shriek and I would assure them all was okay. We would turn the boat upright, they would get back on, exhale, smile and have a great time. They would relax, not fearing the deep waters or the wind gusts. They would listen to what I had to teach, they would trust me, they would take the tiller with confidence…the unspoken fear behind them.

Sailboats are not made for shallow waters or dull wind. A sailboat works its best when it is halfway tipped over. That’s when you truly experience exhilaration and understand the freedom of feeling a boat operate how it was created…when you are heeling over, when the waves are big, when you are out beyond the protective cove in deep waters…when you’re about to tip…that’s when you can really fly. And when you’re not scared to tip; you’re free to sail.

Perhaps God is like a Sailboat Captain. Only, He is a perfect Captain. And a grand Captain. He created the ocean, the waves and all the boats…all of this, and yet He cares for each little sailor so much that He wants to be their personal Captain, come on their boat and join them on their journey. He sent His son, His perfect son, to drown so we would never have to. He promises a destination, one we’d never get to on our own, but one He delights in taking us to…He just asks that we trust Him, and that we let Him be the Captain. He promises never to leave us.

He knows more than we do when He says what I told those kids on the sailboat, “don’t be afraid.” … Do not fear. It’s the most repeated command in the Bible. He doesn’t say “try not to fear,” He commands us…“do not fear.” I’ve heard it appears over 365 times, enough for each day of the year. How appropriate! God says “do not fear for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10). He says, “do not let your hearts be troubled” (John 14:1), “do not be anxious about anything” (Philippians 4:6). He says “nothing will harm you” (Luke 10:19). That His perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). That we did not receive a Spirit that makes us a slave to fear, but a Spirit of adoption (Romans 8:15). Jesus asks his disciples to take their boats into deeper water (Luke 5:4). When Peter asks if he can walk on water, Jesus says “come” (Matthew 14:29). He did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

I recently read a devotion about fear…David says, “when I am afraid, I will trust in you, in God whose word I praise (Psalm 56:3).” It asked me to write in the blank, “when I am afraid of ______, I will trust in you.”

I truly want to trust Him with everything, but if I’m honest, my trust has boundaries. What about the big fear? Every mom knows the one. What if something happened to my kids? My 3-year old jumped off the diving board for the first time today and I almost stopped breathing! If the unthinkable happened…I don’t know what that would be like and I can’t pretend to…but God reminds me He loves my children and husband more than I do. That He has given us Jesus and nothing can take that away. That if His promises are true, it means they are true no matter what. He says do not fear.

While I may hold onto my deepest fear more tightly than I’d like…God has blessed me with two amazing friends who have walked the unthinkable. One has lost two husbands, one her child. These sailors have survived a hurricane, and they remind everyone around them of His goodness. The deep waters I think are big are nothing to them. They sail with ease. They give me courage. They have a very special relationship with the Captain and a firm grasp of His promises. They know at the end of the boat ride is a destination that holds much for them…their eyes don’t lose sight of it. They are the kind of people you want on your boat when the storm comes. When you hear a mom who lost her 5-year-old speak about the hope God has given her and someone who has lost two husbands say God has plans to give her a hope and a future, that could only be the Captain speaking. While my trust may have conditions, these women remind me His goodness is unconditional.

I’d like to say I’m pretty brave, but if you told me I had a week to live, I would do today differently. There’s a deep, deep love I would share, words I would say, things I would completely let go of…others I would take hold of. The bottom line is, I would love more. There would be no holding back. That holding back thing I’d like to let go of forever is caused by fears. My pastor once said they draw the boundaries of our lives, boundaries God wants to break through. He promises victory when we do and gently reminds us we can trust Him.

The times I have said yes and stepped out for God, the times He has asked me to bring darkness to light…showing onlookers a capsize and recovery…He reminds me I don’t have to fear. That I’m not a bad sailor; He has made me a perfect sailor, and someone who can point others to the good Captain. Any tip is recoverable with Him, even the ones when the boat turns all the way upside-down! When we expose the tips on our journey, we invite people to trust the Captain and invite Him aboard…so they can sail in deep waters, heel over and fly free. Those who trust in Him are radiant with joy. He helps us get over our falls, but we never get over His grace. When we share Him, we are called deeper into it. He allows us to be a part of His rescue story. Having been rescued, we know there is nothing better.

Perhaps God tips us over, not to drown us, but to show us the great rescue plan, and then invite us to participate in it. Maybe He does it because He knows that until we know He’s telling us the truth when He says “do not fear,” we’re not going to hear anything else He has to say. It’s not our desire to stay dry and safe that is going to protect us in the storm. It’s listening to the Captain and trusting His plan. This Captain loves us so much that He took that unthinkable fear upon Himself. He gave up His son for us. It is finished. We have nothing to be afraid of.

And when He sees us parked in the still waters of a marina, He comes to take us away. Because He is for us. We may pray to stay safe and dry, but He reminds us he has come to give us life and life to the full. He would never harm us, He just wants to show us the ocean…as sailors, He knows it’s what we were made for. We have a good captain. With a good plan. Taking us to a good destination we’ll never get to without Him. We just have to trust Him. And when our boat tips over, it’s not the end of the ride…with the Captain, it’s the just the beginning. He says “do not fear” and He wants us to trust Him. So we can sail.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1).

“I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken” (Psalm 16:8).

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength; they will soar high on wings like eagles” (Isaiah 40:31).

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”…“Lord if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”…“Come,” he said (Matthew 14:27-29).

“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory” (Psalm 73:23-24).

 

On Friday night, our family embarked on some good ole’ small town America fun. We went to the Kiddie Carnival in Athens. The same rides have been there for decades, the Lions Club runs it and the admission is free. The sun was hot, the ice cream delicious and the friendly faces were exactly what you might expect in small town Alabama.

The only problem was…I forgot the stroller for John. John is 16-months-old and holding him is a bit like holding a cat. So, Will watched Mary on the rides and I let John roam around, following five to ten feet behind him.

As people saw him, they smiled at the two-foot, red-headed wanderer and the look on their faces was a bit puzzled and intrigued. A look that said, “who is this little fellow and what is his story?” They were probably wondering if he belonged to anyone…was he lost? And everything anyone needed to know about him was answered by these two words from me…“He’s mine.” That’s all I had to say. Then they knew where he came from, they could see he looks like me (well sort of), that if anyone were to knock him down, I would defend him, that he had a home to go to after this, that he belongs, that he is safe, that he is loved, that he is part of a family, that if he were to get lost I would put all of my resources into finding him. You see, he belongs to me. And I simply adore him! When I said, “He’s mine,” I could not help the smile that came across my face. Lucky me! That one’s mine. And he has NO idea how much I love him! He never did a thing to earn my love and I couldn’t love him any more because…he’s mine!

We drove home through the country and saw a beautiful full moon. Mary said it was going home with us and, sure enough, when we got home, she pointed out that it stopped and rested right above our house. Too cute! As I was looking at that full moon over the grassy fields in the car, a little warm fuzzy came over me…The One who spoke that moon into existence…when He looks at me, He says, “That one…she’s mine.” And He says that He takes great delight in me. And when I roam around as a child here, and people wonder what my story is, the answer is summarized in one word…“HIS.” And when you look at Him, you’ll know everything you need to know.

“to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12

 

 

There we stood on a hot June day. Standing on bleachers and squinting out into the many flashing cameras. A bit of sweat and a lot of excitement to close this chapter. High school graduation. I didn’t have on the gold sash. The one over half the class wore. I smiled for the pictures and laughed a little about it, but deep inside, I was hurt. Something was missing…my gold sash. In hindsight I can see something else was missing…grace. And one bad act seemed to define me, outweighing all of the good.

I had a heart for learning, and was blessed to graduate in the top of my class. I led the girl’s service club, started a children’s cancer support club, helped start the field hockey team and served as the captain. I was honored to be nominated for many scholarships, and the applications took hours.

And then, it all came undone. By someone I like to call Captain Morgan. It was winter formal night. My friends and I went to a pre-party and about half of the class proceeded to have some drinks before the dance. My date, who was a good friend, brought Captain Morgan’s to the party. Now, let me be clear. I was not a victim wooed away and made drunk by anyone. I took that bottle in my own hands and drank it with the same kind of energy I poured into school. I willingly and intentionally broke the rules. We were seniors and the night was going to be a fun one.

Unfortunately, I had no idea that consuming liquor worked differently than beer. Something you only have to learn once. Come on Eileen started playing at the dance, and I got very dizzy. The next thing I knew, I woke up on the kitchen floor beside my dad, there to make sure I was okay. My head was spinning in pain. I had gotten sick on the dance floor and was escorted out by the teachers. My sweet parents were called to come get me. What a nightmare for them and for me. And for my teachers and friends. It was a low point. I felt terrible, dark inside and remorseful in a way that was heavy.

I wrote letters of apology to the teachers, and the guilt and sorrow I felt was amplified by their response. Because it was a public display of drunkenness, the punishment was public. The consequences were an example for others, and I understand and respect that. They suspended me for a week, and suspended my privilege to leave campus for the rest of the year…and then they took it further. They withdrew my nominations for the scholarships that were in process. Everything I had worked for…undone.

At the next dance…prom, my friends rallied people to vote for me for Prom Queen, which they did. They wanted to see some dignity restored. It was incredibly sweet. A taste of grace. The one who left the dance becomes queen at the next. But you see, the approval of others, while I so often seek it, doesn’t actually restore us on the inside. We are still empty. And on graduation day, that dignity seemed far off.

Those who graduated with honors wore the sash. I had earned some of the highest honors. They took my sash. I had lost it. Those who drank from the same bottle of Captain Morgan’s stood beside me with the sash. I just stood there smiling half heartedly in my blue gown…feeling naked with no sash. Who cares about the sash anyway, I thought? It’s all stupid. Honors are all stupid. You see, the one bad thing undid all the good. Erased it. Gone. I went away to college deflated…and drove out of high school ready to have a drink. The truth was, I was guilty.

…

But the greater truth was, I was forgiven. My record of wrong was indeed…cancelled. The way it works in God’s judicial system is different. The God who created all of us and stands over all rulers and authorities and powers…when He looked at me on that graduation day, He didn’t see someone without honor…He saw a hurting girl in need of His grace. And because of His amazing love for me – for me?, He couldn’t leave me like that because He couldn’t stand the thought of us being separated because of my sin. So, He made Himself small, suffered to take my punishment and restored to me all honor. In His judicial system, when we turn to Him in brokenness, the bad things don’t outdo the good. In fact, because of Jesus and our faith in him, they don’t even count any more. He’s the only thing that counts. He takes the punishment for us…He stands in our place…and in exchange for our sin, we not only get a gold sash, He gives us His robes of righteousness, and crowns our heads with jewels.

“For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.” Isaiah 61:10

You see, the bad doesn’t outdo the good; rather, this one sacrifice of Christ outdoes all the bad. It’s gone forever. He remembers no more. Though your sins are like scarlet, He makes them white as snow. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. He doesn’t let us lose our honor; He restores it! He gives us His perfect son’s resume and puts our name on it. Undeserved, unmerited grace.

And…about scholarships. He says we are worthy of the best scholarship of all times. Not because of anything we’ve done. HE has earned for you the right to enter heaven, reserved a place for you, and your debt has been paid in full.

It is not our accomplishments in life that count most. Perhaps it is those moments of brokenness that matter in the Kingdom. Moments when we cry out for grace. Moments of weakness when His power is made perfect. It’s the circumstances we wish we could change that end up pointing us to the only One who can change us. Perhaps the most important moments in your life are ones He uses to draw you to Him, and later to point others to Him…the great and glorious King who knows every hair on your head and wants you to know His love for you. Maybe these moments matter most because there’s nothing we can ever do to make us righteous; it is only through faith in Him. Our good is not measured in our accomplishments, but in His on our behalf. He is our righteousness. The bad cannot undo it. The good cannot add to it.

Because, you see…there is another graduation coming. One that Jesus oversees. He is the King of Kings and, in the end, every knee will bow to him.

“that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow.” Philippians 2:10

And because of His great love for us, He bore our sins so that we could be free, washed clean and made new. Without blemish, spot or wrinkle. Blameless. He does not point a finger at us; He puts His finger under our chins and gently lifts our heads up. 

“Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

“What happiness for those whose guilt has been forgiven! What joys when sins are covered over! What relief for those who have confessed their sins and God has cleared their record.” Psalm 32:1

It would take many more moments before I truly understood my brokenness and my need for Christ. Before I was sorry, not just about the wrongs on my record, but the heart behind them. I have done far worse things than drink that Captain Morgan’s rum. And He has graciously stood in my place for all of it. The record has been cleared, the heart behind it made new. Brought into marvelous light. His grace is enough and I humbly receive it. And because of His love for me…when I graduate from this place, I will be given what I could never earn…right standing with a holy and perfect God… “They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy.” Revelation 3:4. I’ll be wearing His robes of righteousness and a crown on my head. The honor is all HIS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rainbows. Rainbows are very special to me. God showed me a rainbow after one of the hardest days of my life. It was a dark time. I didn’t know what it meant then, but I knew I was supposed to remember it so I wrote about it in my journal. I was 19 at the time. Years later, I can now reflect back on that rainbow and know God had a message for me in it. Grace. Grace that I would come to receive years later.

Rainbows were a topic I revisited this month in a little homemade VBS with the kids of Will’s Bible study. It was precious! The last day was rainbow day. We made rainbow necklaces with fruit loops and I read them the story about Noah and God’s promise through the rainbow. The Jesus Storybook Bible says “a rainbow is a beautiful bow made of light, a promise that God’s war bow is not pointing down at his people but up into the heart of heaven.” Wow. The arrow of God’s wrath is pointed at Jesus, not at us.  Amazing grace. 

My family departed on a beach trip the next day with my extended family to the same beach I’ve been to all my life. Every year. It is a place with many wonderful memories of ice cream and hot dogs and childhood fun; the magical kind of childhood memories. But it also has many memories from my high school and college years and after, ones I would love not to revisit. If my sinful nature had a place, this would be it. You can walk streets and remember what it felt like and even smelled like to be a beast (see Beauty and the Beast post :)). That juxtaposed with a new identity in Christ and now being there with my own children was a lot to take in.

I prayed a prayer on the way there, “God, will you restore the place?” God restores ALL, and has even restored days of the calendar for me. So I asked Him to please restore the place, to wipe it clean of those regretful memories and make it new. We arrived at the beach after a full day in the car, and the kids couldn’t wait to see the ocean. We heard thunder, but put on our bathing suits anyway and ran down the sandy path out onto the beach to go touch the ocean. And there it was. The most beautiful rainbow. Breathtaking. Knock out. Beautiful. Big and wide and stretched perfectly across that familiar ocean view. “God, will you restore the place?” And the answer in Jesus is always YES. I told a good friend this and she said, “the rainbow is such a beautiful sign from Jesus. He adores you, Katie.” And I received it. YES. He does adore me. He has hung his bow in the clouds for me. And for you. His love is sometimes hard to comprehend. It’s in moments like this we can do nothing but receive it and thank Him.

One evening later in the week, the sun was hidden behind the clouds, and its visible rays were shining out from behind them, reaching toward where we were. The crowd had gone in from the beach and it was just Will and the kids and me. They were running and skipping and chasing sea gulls and gleefully praising God for the beach. I looked at those sun rays and pointed them out to the kids. “That’s God reaching down here,” I said. Sometimes heaven invades earth and we get a little taste of it. Moments when time stands still and we touch eternity that He has set in our hearts. God will you restore the place? YES.

But this is just one place and I am just one person in this one moment. There are many people around the globe who are living in places where horrible things are happening to them and around them. Right now. Things far harder than I can even imagine on my beach vacation. Places where if they escaped and came back it would be like Jenny in Forrest Gump where she throws rocks at that old house and collapses in the mud and sobs. “Will you restore those places?” YES.

God, we praise you…for your promise to restore ALL of the places. Places our feet have walked, places our hearts have gone, places from our past, places we have not yet seen. Every single place. “Behold, I am making all things new.” Revelation 21:5.

Please use us as your hands and feet. To help point people to your rainbows and all that You promise us.

“They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations…

Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.”  Isaiah 61:4,7

“I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful.” Jeremiah 31:4

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Revelation 21:1-5

 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone; the new has come.” 2 Cor 5:17.

I was reading my daughter The Beauty and the Beast this week and was sweetly reminded of my new identity because of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. Thanks to him, I am a new creation. The old Katie was crucified with Jesus (Romans 6:6), and I was given new life in him. When Jesus saved me, much like in the story of The Beauty and the Beast, I turned from a beast into a prince. It seems too good to be true, but because of His love for me, that’s who I am now.  I have a new Father; He is a King and has given me the right to call him “Abba,” Papa, Daddy. The enemy will tell me I’m still a beast, but when I look in the mirror of God’s word, I am reminded that I am a prince. Forever. Not because of anything I did but because of what He did for me. I don’t have to keep earning my right to be a prince, because it’s who I am. No matter what. I may mess up, but I will never be a beast again.  The security of my new identity does not rest on me, but on the one who transformed me into a prince. My identity is forever secure in him. He is my righteousness. Grace isn’t license to recklessly act like a beast; it’s freedom to act like a prince. And now that I know I am a prince (or princess, I should say!), I can act like one.

Christ doesn’t just make us better beasts. He makes us new. Thank you Jesus. You are THE BEAUTY! You love us and break the curse of sin on us. You transform us back into the prince God created us to be. We did nothing to deserve this! You loved us WHILE WE WERE BEASTS and…MADE US ROTALTY!? It’s hard to even comprehend. All I can say is thank you. To you be all the glory!!!

“And let the BEAUTY of the Lord our God be upon us.” Psalm 90:17

“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute BEAST before you.” Psalm 73:22

“But you are a chose people, a ROYAL priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness and into his wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9

“Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.” Psalm 145:13

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a family in our small group at church who was in a terrible car accident last month. Four children were in the car with their mother on an average Monday afternoon and the 5-year old boy (the only biological boy) died.  The two oldest daughters still have a long road ahead. I think anyone with children can imagine that mother’s pain. A mom’s worst nightmare unfolding…we’ve all had that thought and wondered, would you be okay if that happened? In the midst of this terrible tragedy, I have never seen Christ shine like he has in this family and in our community. I have never been more confident in Hebrews 11:1 “faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” This world is not all we have.  Jesus has called little Micah home and all of this will be restored.  One day.  His ways are higher than ours and He is good.  All the time. We can’t see it yet, and it doesn’t make sense now, but we are sure of what we hope for…that Christ conquered death and we stand firm in our living hope that “He will wipe away every tear…there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.” (Rev 21:4) God is being glorified through this family and I have never seen so much love poured out by friends and complete strangers. I don’t think there’s a person in our city who hasn’t been touched by this and who hasn’t responded in some way.  The mother, Ryann, spoke at the funeral/”celebration of life” about hope in God. It was one of the most amazing testaments to Christ I have ever seen. The link to the story of the celebration of life is here.

http://blog.al.com/breaking/2014/05/even_in_preschool_5-year-old_h.html

The death of this precious boy has stirred something in me on a personal level than I wanted to share. Something ugly in me that has been released, confessed and that Christ is transforming for his good. Thank you Jesus and thank you Micah for what you have exposed in my heart. The last time I saw Micah was when his mom had brought him and his younger sister to play. It was his first and only play date at our house. His sister is my daughter’s age and they played together while Micah looked for something to do. Our house isn’t exactly equipped for 5-year-old boys. Then, he saw it. The only riding toy we had. A red car. He got on it and took off, from one end of the house to the other as fast as he could. Until he found the dining room table. Then he ran the red car into the table. Over and over. When my husband called to tell me he had passed away, I was sitting on the couch, dining room table in front of me. No words for how I felt. I broke down in tears and wrote this letter.

Dear Micah,

You are in heaven now. With Jesus. God made you in His image. He made you lively, precious, all boy…you came over and you drove that red car into my dining room table over and over…and in my heart, I did not have joy that you were in my home…and now you’re gone…forever. And in our one encounter on this earth, I was more worried about my dining room table than getting to know you, to touch your face, to talk to you…now I look at that table and want to throw it out the window. My heart…it’s dark, Micah…and all I can say is…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for my desire for control, for in the box, for neat and tidy…I’m sorry that you never got to see the joy Jesus has given me by saving me…you didn’t see Christ in me and I only passed by you…once. Tell that Jesus who you are with … tell him I am so sorry…tell him to help my dark heart….to help me let go and love people like he would. I’m throwing this stuff that ties me down away…this world is so fleeting…Jesus, will you help me? Micah, I’d love for you to come back and drive that red car all over my dining room. But you can’t. So in your honor, I’m asking Jesus to open my eyes to who is in front of me each day and help me see them as he does and love them as he would. And please, Jesus…take extra special care of Micah.

Love,

Katie

This life is a breath. A breath!!! Like many people in my path, I would only pass by Micah once. How many “dining room tables” do we hold onto in life when God’s children are right in front of us? Can we agree that we have things that keep us from receiving love and loving big? Things like control, fear, shame, secrets, expectations, grudges….can we please ask God to help us shake them off? And open our eyes to His children who are in our path every day?

I heard a sermon recently about being free. About how we will spend thousands of dollars to go to Africa to see wild animals. We’ll put it on our bucket list. Yet, there is a zoo down the road with the exact same animals. Why go to Africa? Because something in us wants to see God’s created things living the way they were created to be. We want to see them in the wild, living free. God, I desire to live as you designed me. Not as a zoo animal caged up. I am positive God didn’t create me to protect a dining room table. And that He created children to want to run and play with nothing in their way.

God has used Micah to unleash in me a freedom to let go and love big. I pray each morning, “Lord, give me your eyes for today and each person in my path. Help me to walk in the Spirit.” My path has not changed, but HE has changed the way I see people in it. Wow!!! I have put down my phone, stopped racing a million miles a minute toward my agenda, looked at people’s faces and asked “God, give me your eyes. What is YOUR agenda for this person and how can I help?” Pray that prayer and watch what God shows you! Pray it in an elevator and break the silence!

God has answered this prayer daily.  He particularly answered it in the Target parking lot in a way that blessed my socks off. I was with my daughter with our cart full of groceries. We were headed to the car and saw a man sauntering toward us with a sign. Typically, I would run from a man like this. No time for this. Will he hurt me? My kid is with me, we gotta go. But not this time. “God give me your eyes for how you see this man.” God cares for the lost. He makes that clear over and over in Scripture. This man was lost. I made eye contact as he walked toward us and motioned him over. He held a sign that said, “I am deaf. Please help. I need $1.” I asked his name. He motioned he could not talk. Of course, he was deaf.  I reached out my hand and placed it on his shoulder and told him I was going to pray for him.  As I began praying, he leaned in for a hug.  A big, warm, sincere, messy embrace. He hugged like he needed a hug. He couldn’t hear me but I held Him and prayed for Jesus to heal him and for him to know the love of God and I told him how in heaven the deaf will hear and blind will see.  He just looked at me as I spoke.  His eyes were blue and beautiful, full of love and tears. He was hurting and very sincere.  Mary was right there with us.  I gave him the cash in my wallet, just $2. He said goodbye and pointed to the sky, then his heart, then me and nodded and left…it was like a hug from God.  

My friend Liz reminded me that Micah’s brother, roommate and best friend (his adopted brother, Asher) is deaf. She reminded me that one of Micah’s closest relationships while he was here was with a deaf boy and that he had a heart for the deaf too. She suggested that perhaps when the man pointed to the sky, then his heart, then to me…when he said “God loves you,” perhaps he also said “Micah loves you.” Thanks Micah. Thanks little buddy. Thanks for teaching me not to miss the moment. And reminding me I wasn’t made for the zoo. I love you, too. I love you, too.